Time has slipped away from me. The weeks have passed and I honestly haven't even thought about this blog. The hardships the last month have been unrelenting, and yet I see a light at the end of this tunnel.
The moment you realize that your "person" (the one you share everything with, laugh with, cry with) can no longer be that person in your life is a hard one.
To me this person is my best friend, he has been there for me more than anyone over the past year, he has allowed me to open up to him more than I have to anyone in my entire life. And yet, this week I realized that that can no longer be. For many reasons I have come to see that I must distance myself from some of my closest friends and that brings pain to my heart. But in order for me to continue to grow and become the person I am suppose to be, it must be done.
I love them all so much and they have the biggest blessing I have ever received in my life, but unfortunately good things don't always last forever.
This group of people started off in equal numbers of females and males, but slowly all the other girls has either moved away or come into relationships that consume most of there time, so it has come to be that I am fairly consistently the only girl in a group of guys. I don't want to come off as one of "those" girls and feel the overwhelming need to strengthen the few relationships I have with the women in my life.
This is in area that I truly struggle, between being abused physically and verbally, bullied, and completely betrayed by most the women in my life, I have come to build walls between myself and all other females. So after my best friend, who every possibly could be reading this right now, moved to the other side of the planet, my life was kind of left uncertain. This amazing woman of God is such an inspiration to my life and I am so blessed to be able to have her in my life. Just in the short year between when we met and when she moved, she taught me so much. She taught me about love, faith, self respect, laughter, and most of all trust. The trust she showed in being willing to make a step of faith and uproot her life and move all the way to Australia is something that I will never forget.
She is one of those people that even before you meet, you can see the joy of the Lord overflowing from the depths of her soul. I can only hope that one day, I can have the kind of faith and joy that she exudes.
So in the last year, an amazing man has become my very best friend. We talk everyday, he has let me cry on his shoulder, laughed with and at me, fought with me, and he knows exactly how to make me laugh when I need it. He truly knows me better than anyone. But the struggle is when I know that if either of us were to start dating someone, that the relationship we have now, would be over. I would no longer have my best friend there, I could no longer speak openly with him about everything, out of repsect of the other person. I know that this may not make sense, why am I making this so difficult on both of us, but I really feel like what we have now, can no longer be. If I continue in this I am just setting myself up to get hurt when he finds the girl of his dreams, which I want for him. I want him to find his perfect match, I want him to find the love of his life, and I can't wait for the day to see the smile that she will bring to his face. But out of selfishness I have to protect myself and realize that it's not fair to either of us to stay how we are now. Something has got to give and that something is me. I have to give up and realize that Jesus is my "person", He is the one that will be there for me no matter what, the one I never have to worry about betraying me, the one I will never have to give up in order for them to have happiness. This brings tears to my eyes, it feels like my heart is breaking but it is something that must be done. I don't know where to go from here, my immediate future looks lonely.
I am sorry that this post wasn't uplifting and motivational, but sometimes, we are allowed to feel pain in order to appreciate all the great gifts we have.
So in these difficult moments it is ever more important to remember that the God of the universe loves us so much that He is weeping with us through it, He wants to hold our hand and tell us that everything will be okay, He wants to comfort us, He wants to be our "person".
And all we have to do is let Him.
So let the glow if His unending love, grace, and mercy surround you. Let the warmth of the certainty of Him bring joy to your soul. Stand in the rays of His goodness with faith and trust in His plan for your life.
Start Each Day Faithfully.
