Faithfully.

Time has slipped away from me.  The weeks have passed and I honestly haven't even thought about this blog.  The hardships the last month have been unrelenting, and yet I see a light at the end of this tunnel. 

The moment you realize that your "person" (the one you share everything with, laugh with, cry with) can no longer be that person in your life is a hard one.

To me this person is my best friend, he has been there for me more than anyone over the past year, he has allowed me to open up to him more than I have to anyone in my entire life.  And yet, this week I realized that that can no longer be.   For many reasons I have come to see that I must distance myself from some of my closest friends and that brings pain to my heart.  But in order for me to continue to grow and become the person I am suppose to be, it must be done.  

I love them all so much and they have the biggest blessing I have ever received in my life, but unfortunately good things don't always last forever.  

This group of people started off in equal numbers of females and males, but slowly all the other girls has either moved away or come into relationships that consume most of there time, so it has come to be that I am fairly consistently the only girl in a group of guys.   I don't want to come off as one of "those" girls and feel the overwhelming need to strengthen the few relationships I have with the women in my life.

This is in area that I truly struggle, between being abused physically and verbally, bullied, and completely betrayed by most the women in my life, I have come to build walls between myself and all other females.   So after my best friend, who every possibly could be reading this right now, moved to the other side of the planet, my life was kind of left uncertain.  This amazing woman of God is such an inspiration to my life and I am so blessed to be able to have her in my life.  Just in the short year between when we met and when she moved, she taught me so much.  She taught me about love, faith, self respect, laughter, and most of all trust.  The trust she showed in being willing to make a step of faith and uproot her life and move all the way to Australia is something that I will never forget.  

She is one of those people that even before you meet, you can see the joy of the Lord overflowing from the depths of her soul.  I can only hope that one day, I can have the kind of faith and joy that she exudes. 

So in the last year, an amazing man has become my very best friend.  We talk everyday, he has let me cry on his shoulder, laughed with and at me, fought with me, and he knows exactly how to make me laugh when I need it.  He truly knows me better than anyone.  But the struggle is when I know that if either of us were to start dating someone, that the relationship we have now, would be over.  I would no longer have my best friend there, I could no longer speak openly with him about everything, out of repsect of the other person.  I know that this may not make sense, why am I making this so difficult on both of us, but I really feel like what we have now, can no longer be.  If I continue in this I am just setting myself up to get hurt when he finds the girl of his dreams, which I want for him.  I want him to find his perfect match, I want him to find the love of his life, and I can't wait for the day to see the smile that she will bring to his face.  But out of selfishness I have to protect myself and realize that it's not fair to either of us to stay how we are now.  Something has got to give and that something is me.  I have to give up and realize that Jesus is my "person", He is the one that will be there for me no matter what, the one I never have to worry about betraying me, the one I will never have to give up in order for them to have happiness.  This brings tears to my eyes, it feels like my heart is breaking but it is something that must be done.  I don't know where to go from here, my immediate future looks lonely.  

I am sorry that this post wasn't uplifting and motivational, but sometimes, we are allowed to feel pain in order to appreciate all the great gifts we have.  

So in these difficult moments it is ever more important to remember that the God of the universe loves us so much that He is weeping with us through it, He wants to hold our hand and tell us that everything will be okay, He wants to comfort us, He wants to be our "person".

And all we have to do is let Him.

So let the glow if His unending love, grace, and mercy surround you.  Let the warmth of the certainty of Him bring joy to your soul.  Stand in the rays of His goodness with faith and trust in His plan for your life. 

Start Each Day Faithfully.

Ready

I won't lie and say it has been an easy week, month or even year.  I am blessed with so much and yet I still find my heart aching for more out of this short life.

I want to travel, I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want to be able to photograph life as my full time job, I want a home of my own, I want to not have to worry about money.

I want.

I think that has truly been my struggle.  Wanting everything I don't have and ignoring all the amazing gift God has already placed in my life.   

I find myself continually focusing on the hard parts of life, and not enjoying the little moments that are meant to bring pure joy to my heart. 

Honestly, I feel like I was really on a roll with this blog, like I was finally putting into words everything that I was feeling, like I had clarity.  I know that I started this blog for a purpose and I think thats why it has already become difficult to articulate my heart into words.  Even this post, is a struggle.  

But isn't the struggle a huge part of life?

With out struggling through certain aspect of our lives, how could we fully know and enjoying the blessings God gives to us.  If everything was peachy keen all the time, what kind of life would that be? 

We wouldn't be able to appreciate the good simple things in life, why would we?

When we are having a trial, we commonly simplely overlook the things and people that God has specifically placed in our life to help get us through it.  

Let's take a theoredical journey to explore this concept a tad further.  

You trained for a full year, you have won every race this season, and this is the final most important race you have yet to compete in.   You take your mark, you inhale deeply, your ready.  The gunfires, and you spring into motion.  You keep your pace steady,  propelling your whole being forward, you've reached the final stretch, your in the lead.  

Your going to win. 

SNAP .

Your on the ground, in absolute agony.  All your competitors flying past you.

You have a choice to make. 

Forfeit the race or finish.

You start to struggle to your feet, but fall back down.  Your unable to finish. 

A hand wraps around your back, you feel an arm start to support you as you are pulled to your feet, it's her.  The girl that has been your rival all season. The one to beat.  

No words need to be said.  In an instant your slowly moving forward, inching towards the finish line.  As your whole body screams at you in pain to stop, your mind knows that you must complete this.  She gave up her win to help you, she turned around, she came back for you.  You can only hope that if the tables were turned that you would have made the same decision. 

There it is, you have reached the finish line.  And only because of the girl that you have battled against for the last few months. 

Six weeks later, you are recovering and this person is someone you now consider a very good friend.  She s kind, generous, loving, and always supportive. 

God place her in your race for a reason. He knew that you couldn't finish that race without help, He knew you would fall.

He places people in our life to support us, and us in others lives to support them.  

Sometimes they are the people we least expect.  I know in my life, that has been the case over the last year.  The person I trust the most, the one I tell almost everything too, the one that means the most to me, is someone I never would have seen coming.  

I never expected to have such a bond with this person, and I am eternally grateful they were brought into my life.  I have learned from them, laughed with them, cried with them, and shared my heart with them.  I never would have thought after our first meeting (which to be honest, was pretty dang awkward) that I would the relationship I do now with them. 

What a blessing.

So let's try not to focus on the hardship itself, but the blessings we receive through it. 

If you hadn't fallen in the race, you never would have been picked up by such an amazing person. 

If I hadn't met my best friend, at a random gathering, and had a awkward first encounter that we both laugh about now,  I wouldn't have them in my life.  God brought this person to me at exactly the right time, He brought them right when I needed.  

I am grateful for that. 

So enjoy the struggle, because from that struggle sometimes the biggest, most unexpected blessing are welcomed into our life.  Be thankful for the hard moments, so we can appreciate the good ones.

We learn from dark times in our life. It's God allowing us hurt so we can heal and realize we need to rely fully on Him to bring us back into the light.  

The photo above is a excerpt from my journal:

"He brought me through all He did for a reason, so stop being afraid and speak of His greatness!"

Be Grateful, Be courageous, Be strong.  

Be ready to struggle. 

This is your Father, teaching you a valuable lesson so later help you teach someone else that every same lesson.

Start Each Day Ready.

Renewed

Today, I did basically nothing.

I relaxed. Something I realize I don't do enough of. 

In the busyness of life we forget how important rest is, we forget to slow down and enjoy the quite moments in life.  

I truly loved every minute of today.  I slept in late, read my devotion while drinking coffee, reorganized some things, laid in bed with my adorable little kitty, Sunny, and watched a movie with my wonderful father. 

I honestly can't remember the last time I had a day such as this.  

No where to go, nothing to do, no reason to put actual pants on ( I definitely spent my day in sweats). 

While yes, I most assuredly could have spent my day cleaning, worked out, or done who knows what else, I know I made the right choice to do what I did today.

So why is rest so vital to having a happy life?

It is so crucial in order to renew our minds, bodies and souls.  

Everything in this world can wear us down, set traps in our mind, exhaust our bodies, and we both know how easily the devil can plant doubts to ensnare our souls to be his.  

So rest, relax, and renew yourself.  

Even our Creator rested. 

"And on the seventh day God finished the work that he had done, 

and he rested on the seventh day from all the work that he had done. 

So God blessed the seventh day and hallowed it, 

because on it God rested from all the work that he had done in creation."

Genesis 2:1-3

If God saw the importance of rest, wouldn't it be just ridiculous for us to ignore it?

Last time I checked we were created in the image of The Lord, so we need to remember to allow ourselves to rest.  That is how we were made, work was created to glorify Him, but in order to work in such a way, we must be renewed.

Remember to stop, cherish the little moments, eat a piece of chocolate, take a bubble bath, listen to music, dance alone in your bedroom, sing at the top of your lungs in your car, watch the sunset, read the word of life often, pray always, and seek the King of Kings in all areas of your life.

Start Each Day Renewed. 

Willing

It's incredible how quickly life can change.

How your feelings can change. 

How everything can change.

 "I will hold to a standard of Grace, not perfection. 

For it is by Grace we have been Saved"

Have you ever been so unbelievably hurt and angry at someone that you don't even know how you would react if you saw them?

I was in that place for that last 2 months, so hurt and confused by this persons actions that it turned to  anger towards them.  Well, I saw them last night and the moment I walked in and saw him (well there goes not trying to be specific about it being a guy... oh well) I couldn't be angry anymore.  I have never been one to give someone a second chance if I am hurt, never one to quickly forget when a person has hurt me, but with this one, I can't help it.  It is so strange to me that my heart is so open and willing to give him so much grace, but it is.  

I guess that is how it is with God, our Abba Father.  No matter how greatly we have hurt Him, no matter how badly we have betrayed Him, He is always there with an unending amount of grace and love to bestow upon us. 

What have we done to deserve this kind of unconditional love from the creator of the universe?  I certainly have nothing that I can lay at His feet in hopes of being worthy of such mercy.  I guess that is what is so amazing about Him, we have nothing to offer Him and yet He is jealous for us, He wants our hearts and love more than anything.  

A few years ago, I was in a car accident, I have no clearer memories than those of the moments following the impact.  It was like everything was happening in slow motion, like the liquid flying through the air inside the car was not liquid but solid round bubbles of jelly (imagine how liquid looks in outer space, that's exactly how I remember it).  That moment seemed like it was never ending.  Think of the utter silence as your ears try and recover from the sound, the feeling in your lungs of suffocation from all the smoke filling the enclosed area, the panic in your heart as you realize your door won't open.  

I can honestly say that in that moment, I have never felt further from God.  As the days passed after, I became angry, questioning why this had happened to me, fearful to go outside, crying at the sound of the trash collectors simply because of the loud metal sound.  I wondered why someone who loved me so much would let such a terrible thing happen to me, how could He let me feel so alone, allow this unrelenting fear into every aspect of my life all because some guy made a misjudgment on making that left turn.  

It took awhile for me to even start thinking about God after that, I simply put Him completely out of mind.  But you and I both know, that He knows our thoughts before we even think them, so He waited patiently as I tried with every cell in my body to resist Him and the truth I knew already knew.  

I knew that at that moment of impact, I had never been closer to meeting my true Daddy, never closer to going to my real home.  He has never been with me more so than in that exact moment.  

Realizing that if I had swerved one more foot, I would be dead right now.  Literally being 12 inches from death is an experience I hope I never have to have again. 

But that is what it took to wake me from the slumber I didn't even know I was in. That's what it took to make me realize that I had to make a choice, I had to pick. 

Was I for Him? Or was I against Him?

I could no longer ignore the decision I had been putting off for years.  There it was staring me straight in the face.

It was like God Almighty was searching to find the answer in my eyes. Like He was holding both my hands in His, looking at me with only the look a father can give his own beloved child.

ARE YOU FOR ME OR AGAINST ME?

I can't say that I recall the exact moment I made the choice, because I don't think it really ever was a choice in my life.  I had grown up seeing His grace, love and mercy.  I think it was just a gradual realization of how greatly He truly love me, how magnificent His faithfulness in my life, how great His mercy is over me, the magnitude of His protection.  

No one is capable of knowing the full extent of how greatly He love us, but I have made the decision I am going to try anyway.  I will search and seek to find out the depths of His love.  

Have you made your choice yet? 

Or is there even really a choice? 

So I think the lesson I have learn today, is to try with every ounce of my being to give others the grace and mercy He has given me, to love others with the love He gives me, to allow myself to be vulnerable even if it means I may get hurt.  I have to be willing to take a leap of faith, I have to be willing not to understand certain things because I know that He has a purpose for it. I have to be willing.

Start Each Day Willing.

With Confidence.

Today was frustrating.  I have decided not to included any facts about my job on this blog, I'm not stupid... I know better than that.  Let's just say it was a long day! 

 

Some days I just need to remember that what is happening now won't last forever.  There is so much in life that seems completely overwhelming, but I truly believe that it is essential to realize that this HUGE crisis occurring momentarily may seem minuscule in the grander scheme of things.  

But it will still no doubt stress us out until we feel completely out of control and like we could pull every single follicle of hair from our scalps and not feel one ounce of pain considering this trial we are currently in the midst of.  So what is the next step? What can we do to maintain sanity? 

Well the answer is simple.

Nothing.

We have absolutely no control over what is happening. Our destiny is predetermined.  God knows the next thought in your head before you even think.  He has written this difficult chapter in your life for a reason and wouldn't allow you this hardship if it would not ultimately bring Glory back to Him.  He wrote this story, He wrote the beginning of your life and He has already written the ending.    

Think about it like this. 

 When a screen writer is formulating the script, he already knows the plot, he know exactly how the movie will begin, what the climatic scene should be, who the protagonist will be, and how the story will end.  Well, God is the screen writer. He knows already.  He knows if you will end up with the guy you think your in love with, if you will land your dream job, if you will travel the world, if you will have the perfect house with the white picot fence.  Your story has been written. 

Worrying and getting angry over your circumstances is like going to the movies and worrying about how you are going to change the end of the movie.  And let's face it, that is just plain silly.  

Romeo and Juliet both die. 

Frodo destroys the ring.

Cinderella gets the Prince.

Harry Potter defeats "He who should not be named."

Dorothy gets to go home to Kansas. 

Should I keep going? or do you get the picture?

The screen play of your life has been written and your the star. Now is just time to sit back and enjoy the show.  Every great movie must have a vilan or two, a tale of heartbreak that results in finding true love, some adventure, or some suspense.  If not for these, what a bore. 

Today is only one scene in your movie.  One small part of the overall story. 

So let's just go with it.

Be confident in the screen writer, I mean it is His job, right?

Start Each Day with Confidence.

Eagerly

This is a new beginning. A fresh start. A new chapter. 

This is me.  I am 21 years young and completely confused on life.  Where to go? Who to be? Who to love? To love at all?  This is a place I will write my thoughts on the experiences I have in this new chapter.  Who knows where it will take me or the person I may be molded into by the things it brings.  

I am choosing not to focus on if one single personal reads this blog. This is for me, for me to look back on and see what amazing things the Lord has done.  I hope that over the next season I learn from doing this and hopefully others can as well. 

So here is the plan:

This blog is titled "Start each day" for a reason. I hope I can learn new lessons on how to start each new day.  So each post will be titled with a word or a way I have learned to start my day. 

Start Each Day Eagerly.