Willing

It's incredible how quickly life can change.

How your feelings can change. 

How everything can change.

 "I will hold to a standard of Grace, not perfection. 

For it is by Grace we have been Saved"

Have you ever been so unbelievably hurt and angry at someone that you don't even know how you would react if you saw them?

I was in that place for that last 2 months, so hurt and confused by this persons actions that it turned to  anger towards them.  Well, I saw them last night and the moment I walked in and saw him (well there goes not trying to be specific about it being a guy... oh well) I couldn't be angry anymore.  I have never been one to give someone a second chance if I am hurt, never one to quickly forget when a person has hurt me, but with this one, I can't help it.  It is so strange to me that my heart is so open and willing to give him so much grace, but it is.  

I guess that is how it is with God, our Abba Father.  No matter how greatly we have hurt Him, no matter how badly we have betrayed Him, He is always there with an unending amount of grace and love to bestow upon us. 

What have we done to deserve this kind of unconditional love from the creator of the universe?  I certainly have nothing that I can lay at His feet in hopes of being worthy of such mercy.  I guess that is what is so amazing about Him, we have nothing to offer Him and yet He is jealous for us, He wants our hearts and love more than anything.  

A few years ago, I was in a car accident, I have no clearer memories than those of the moments following the impact.  It was like everything was happening in slow motion, like the liquid flying through the air inside the car was not liquid but solid round bubbles of jelly (imagine how liquid looks in outer space, that's exactly how I remember it).  That moment seemed like it was never ending.  Think of the utter silence as your ears try and recover from the sound, the feeling in your lungs of suffocation from all the smoke filling the enclosed area, the panic in your heart as you realize your door won't open.  

I can honestly say that in that moment, I have never felt further from God.  As the days passed after, I became angry, questioning why this had happened to me, fearful to go outside, crying at the sound of the trash collectors simply because of the loud metal sound.  I wondered why someone who loved me so much would let such a terrible thing happen to me, how could He let me feel so alone, allow this unrelenting fear into every aspect of my life all because some guy made a misjudgment on making that left turn.  

It took awhile for me to even start thinking about God after that, I simply put Him completely out of mind.  But you and I both know, that He knows our thoughts before we even think them, so He waited patiently as I tried with every cell in my body to resist Him and the truth I knew already knew.  

I knew that at that moment of impact, I had never been closer to meeting my true Daddy, never closer to going to my real home.  He has never been with me more so than in that exact moment.  

Realizing that if I had swerved one more foot, I would be dead right now.  Literally being 12 inches from death is an experience I hope I never have to have again. 

But that is what it took to wake me from the slumber I didn't even know I was in. That's what it took to make me realize that I had to make a choice, I had to pick. 

Was I for Him? Or was I against Him?

I could no longer ignore the decision I had been putting off for years.  There it was staring me straight in the face.

It was like God Almighty was searching to find the answer in my eyes. Like He was holding both my hands in His, looking at me with only the look a father can give his own beloved child.

ARE YOU FOR ME OR AGAINST ME?

I can't say that I recall the exact moment I made the choice, because I don't think it really ever was a choice in my life.  I had grown up seeing His grace, love and mercy.  I think it was just a gradual realization of how greatly He truly love me, how magnificent His faithfulness in my life, how great His mercy is over me, the magnitude of His protection.  

No one is capable of knowing the full extent of how greatly He love us, but I have made the decision I am going to try anyway.  I will search and seek to find out the depths of His love.  

Have you made your choice yet? 

Or is there even really a choice? 

So I think the lesson I have learn today, is to try with every ounce of my being to give others the grace and mercy He has given me, to love others with the love He gives me, to allow myself to be vulnerable even if it means I may get hurt.  I have to be willing to take a leap of faith, I have to be willing not to understand certain things because I know that He has a purpose for it. I have to be willing.

Start Each Day Willing.